2012 December 12 (Wednesday) : I don't believe in "If" anymore

I used to believe that God was random, I don’t anymore.

I remember seeing and hearing of people being hurt in accidents and subconsciously thinking thoughts such as “God is random, God SOMETIMES cares.....IF God cares...”  In the last few days, however, I have seen the hand of God in my life and felt a clearness of thought unlike anything I have felt before for as long as I can remember.  I don’t think that God is random anymore.  I feel the last 30 years of my life have been preparation for the ministry I believe God is calling me to.  I honestly believe that the Lord is calling Keith and anyone else who is passionate about it, to destroy the porn industry.  Today, I had the privilege of spending some quality time with a princess. I remember continuing to read “It’s a Guy Thing.”

I read about “purposeful fatherhood.”  I read about how fatherhood is supposed to be, of men who are deliberate fathers, who see their families as part of their passion, of their lives, of their purpose.  Men who MAKE time for their families, who travel 90 minute round trips in order to be able to show their families consistency, who if they have to work late at the office come home to scoop up their children in bed, kiss them awake and then cradle them back to sleep to avoid the feeling of emptiness that a child feels of going to sleep without seeing daddy.  Men who know that a princess feels a low-level tension in her heart whenever daddy is not home and she is tangibly relieved when he is back from his business trip.  Men who commit to spending  a full 24 hours with their children for every week they are away on business trips so that they can establish a culture of DAD CAN BE TRUSTED in their homes.  So that children can grow up in a SECURE environment, and be SAFE at home and know that MEN CAN BE HONORABLE.  I read about the fact that children flock to the place where the passions that God placed in their hearts are FUELED. That the FATHER is responsible for this fueling.  I have seen this in my own life where something called me to the B compound rather than the R household.  In the B compound there was recognition, there was pursuit of passion, there was companionship, there was guidance, teaching, basically God was, and I know, will always be there.  Only God can fit in the God-shaped space in each of our lives. 

In the R household, there was television, there was the temptation of pornography, and it was totally different to the atmosphere of the B compound.  I remember wandering into the B compound one Christmas long ago where the children had caught a baby crocodile and brought it back in a cooler box.  I remember thinking, “these people are crazy,” but I still wanted to choose the B compound.  I remember walking into the lounge and sitting on the floor, because there were so many people in the room that the floor was the only choice, but I didn’t care. I was the only non-family member and I didn’t care, since my heart was telling me “Better one day in the house of God than a thousand elsewhere.”  Yes, my earthly father did the VERY best he could and I TOTALLY FORGIVE him for his shortcomings, because I see and weep over my own shortcomings that the Lord has shown me in my own heart.

I cannot judge another because he sins differently from me.

I know we men are all human and fall short of the glory of God and I KNOW that I am the man I am today because my own earthly father is an HONORABLE MAN and I know that when God gives me the chance, I can look at my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in the eyes and thank Him for the honorable man He chose to be my earthly father. I was NEVER abused, and I will ALWAYS be grateful, dad.  I know too, that honor alone while awesome to have, is not enough.  I know that the God-shaped space in all of us can only be filled by God and it is an awesome feeling to have it filled.  I know the feeling of being the only non family member  in the B  household but loving the feeling of acceptance even if I have to sit on the floor to feel it.  Thank YOU Pastor Dave for showing me the father I can become, the Grandfather I can become and the great-Grandfather I can become.  I am finally willing to be a father myself.  I now know what was missing from my life – Daniel Goldman’s Emotional Quotient.

Today I had the privilege of thanking a princess in person for showing me a miracle.  Not just words but the AWESOMENESS of being in a car seat next to a princess while the hand of God Himself reached down from the icy sky to mend her heart.  To show her that He does indeed have a plan to prosper her.  I looked at pictures of Kim’s past today, a young lady growing up and having people around her that while calling themselves friends did not always offer her friendship.  But I also found another prince today.  An honorable man who saw the breaking heart of a princess who could not find a decent guy willing to take her to the prom and took her himself.  Aaron, I am truly looking forward to meeting you in person!  You and I are going to get along just fine, I already know that. Thank you for the model you have been in Kim’s life and thank you for helping me to see what a Prince looks like.  I saw today in the pages of your family albums a story of a princess that I will always treasure in my heart.

I was able to see a girl’s transformation into a princess [not strictly true – a girl is already a princess] and that is one of the miracles of life that I know I am privileged to see.  I asked Kim for any photo that she is willing to let me have because I know I need one for my wallet and once for my desk so that the folks at home can understand why my heart has been captured and why I have emigrated to the land of the free and the home of the brave.  When Nelson Mandela wrote of Winnie in the pages of his “Long Walk to Freedom,” he says “a man finds his heart when he meets his wife.”  I now know what he meant, for I know I have met mine.

We went to Shirland School, where Kim grew up and ate the most perfect turkey and trimmings for lunch.  I ate under a statue of an Indian Brave – the emblem of the school.  I felt how many memories this place held for Kim, It was as if God had again stretched His hand down from the sky and lifted my feet off the ground – an incredible experience that I even now marvel at.  I saw the corridors of “Saved By the Bell” echoed in that place, of “Back to the Future,” of “Facing the Giants.”  These capitalists really know how to put life together!  I met Kim’s school teachers, the associate builders of her character and I thanked God in my spirit that He gave me this privilege.  We met another couple with children Anaya, Bianca and Wesley’s age and I saw the passion in Kim’s eyes and felt it in her heart as she spoke to them.  I remember thinking again “This is what perfection feels like!”  It is truly an awesome thing to be able to step into heaven, I have felt it and I know this is where God has given me the privilege to be.  Pam said I can get in touch with her pastor and let him see my CV and in my heart, I know it is a done deal.  I am prepared to do whatever it takes to live here.  There ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no river wide enough, ain’t no valley low enough to keep me from Kim.

We came back from lunch and went on a walk together.  This is a privilege that another princess back in Zimbabwe showed me.  Thank you Adele, from the bottom of my heart!  Kim and I had been on walks around a polo ground where she shared with me the pieces of her broken heart and I began to sort through them, finding which piece fits where, like the pieces of a Tangled puzzle on the dining room table one almost-perfect Christmas. We walked in a cold wind and I purposed to know and write down what was in her heart, even if it was a ham-handed effort, I knew it must be done and refined later.  A princess had earlier in my life shared with me how to identify the passion that God puts in each of our hearts.  “If a million dollars was put in your bank account first thing this Monday morning,” she said, “what would you do with it?”  That is the question I posed to Kim and I remember being impressed with the conciseness of her reply.

$500 000 for her education and $500 000 for her wedding.

Done, princess!

The Lord also impressed on me the need for Kim to tell me what He has placed in her heart to romance her.  I asked her to please take a voice recorder, because talking is Kim’s strength, typing and writing not so much, and record THE PERFECT ROMANCE.  Leave NOTHING out, put in every detail you can imagine.  If you are not done, then CONTINUE, I do not care how many hours this takes, days, weeks even.  Take all the time you need!  I will then type this out, since digitization is my strength, talking, not so much…  I will secondly take ALL, and I mean ALL my resources and in so far as I am able, match exactly, EVERY DETAIL of this perfect romance and make it reality.  I also need to find that book by Eric and Leslie Ludy, because they did this and they, I am certain know romance as God Himself knows romance.

Later we came back and enjoyed coffee to warm us up and fruit smoothies while we packed to go to the lake house.  Thank you, Kim for sharing your heart with me. I honestly pray that your heart is restored back to what the Lord Himself desires it to be, to be the heart that He created it to be.  I have heard that “it is the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance” but I feel the Lord is saying He was standing by you while others broke your heart and He wept as you wept, He felt the emptiness that you felt, the rejection, the hurt, the pain, the bitterness, and He wept and wept and wept with you.  But, princess, there is always a “but” when God is dealing with pain, because pain does not belong in His kingdom, emptiness does not belong in His kingdom, bitterness does not belong in His kingdom.  He is guiding you to your glorious FUTURE where He will give you lavishness instead of loneliness, pleasure instead of pain, belief instead of bitterness, relief from the rejection and He knows where every single piece goes, he knows the completed picture and He has sent me to you princess, to help Him, to be His hands and His mouthpiece, to tell you that He loves you desperately and I have the privilege of mirroring His love to you.  Princess, I am a sinful man and I fear I may make mistakes along the way, but I KNOW that you are a princess and you deserve the ABSOLUTE BEST I can give you and I PRAY that God gives me the strength to put my money where my mouth is and continue to romance you as I KNOW you are, Belle herself who deserves nothing less, because she is a princess.

I used to believe that God was random, an "IF God comes through" mentality.

I don’t believe in IF anymore.