2012 December 13 (Thursday) : Clarity

It is a source of incredulous amazement to me the degree of clarity of thought the Lord is able to give to a sinful man.  I lie in my bed with happy tears streaming down my cheeks, thinking about the last 39 years of my life and I thank God with every fiber of my being that He has decided to privilege me with the hand of a princess.  I remember a day when I asked Pastor Colin a question. “How do you know when you have met your wife?”  Pastor Colin is a man of integrity, of honor.  He replies “Love is an amazing thing.  It is like a pain in your heart that never goes away until you are with her.  You will miss her with every fiber of your being until you are once again reunited with her.  THAT is how you know.”  Thank you, Pastor Colin, for your words of Godly wisdom.  Thank you that you told me to wait.  I DID wait. 

I waited until I thought God’s plan for me was not marriage.  It was about GLS, it was about other stuff.  Marriage, not so much.  I was told some people marry and others just don’t.  I thought the Biblical idea of a prince loving a princess SO much that he WEEPS when he meets her was for others.  Now I am deliriously happy to say that God has privileged Keith with THAT kind of love for princess Kim.

The "Princess Perspective" was given to me by God himself while I was in Roger’s car with his daughter at my side.  I remember a day so perfect that it was like God Himself said from heaven, “Come up here,” and I did.  I remember a day at the Lake house so perfect it came from the pages of a story book.  Roger’s eldest daughter Amy describes the Lake House as hers and David’s favorite place on earth and I can SO see why.  There are memories of a Godly lifestyle there so perfect that I cannot think of a SINGLE thing slightly less than it could be.  A day when we woke up to the delicious smell of Cinnamon coffee and after exercising, I showed Roger and Pam part of my heart, World Ventures. A wonderful shower.  A perfect breakfast of ham omelets cooked by a God-fearing man whom I have the pleasure of asking for his daughter’s hand in marriage.  Memories of a Godly past in pictures on the walls.  A perfect sunset, God-fearing family after God-fearing family who I have had the privilege to know.  I think to myself THIS is what I needed to show my heart the difference between love and lust.  The vast chasm that separates the two is THIS wide, THIS far and so far apart as to be the North and South Poles of the planet itself. 

I show Kim my journal and she weeps more happy tears.  I tell her that happy tears are just fine; she has all the time she needs.  I request that if she ever feels sad tears she is to please let me know, because I am the one that God Himself has selected to deal with the source of all sad tears in her life from now.  It’s that simple.

We decorate a Christmas tree and I hear the sounds of so many Christmases past come to me from the Christmas songs on the CD Player.  America has a culture of family, of moments of perfection spent with loved ones so dear that it hurts to not be with them.  Of yearning because the love is real.  Tinsel, baubles, decorations, lights. More memories of past Christmases.  A princess asks me to go on a walk.  I of course agree.  There is no place on earth a prince desires to be than at the side of his princess.  We start out, but the wind is icy and we turn back to get another hat for Kim. I hear the voice of God Himself – You are to protect this princess with your life if you have to.  Yes Lord, I would be privileged to.  Thank YOU for sending her to meet me on a tennis court in Zimbabwe.  I thought You had forgotten.  “No my son, I never forget.”  I see that now Lord, I SO see that.  Kim continues to pour her heart out to me.  I am with her, holding the precious hand of a princess as we walk to the waterfall, a dried up version of what it once was, what it again will be, but still perfect.  Perfect because a Prince has at last met his Princess. 

Kimberly has found a Prince.  We come back to more delicious coffee and cookies.  We joke that there is so much sugar in the cookies that there does not need to be any in the coffee.  Photos on the front porch, by the Christmas tree, perfect music in the background, Photos on the back porch.  Pam is a lady who the Lord has gifted in the art of consistency with family memories and I will always treasure her for that.  Another Godly woman who I have had the privilege to meet and get to know.

More perfect moments on a couch in the living room.  THIS is life, perfection, memories. A princess at my side, reading my journal, my heart that the Lord has enabled me to put into writing.  I at last can express my heart, to let her know how precious she is to me, that I at last can see the difference between love and lust.  That the Lord has at last shown me EXACTLY how to repent from lust, to pursue love.  To hear her heartbeat on what THE PERFECT ROMANCE looks like, sounds like, WILL BE.  What a thing to feel what Skyping from heaven to earth feels like.  We go to the Club house.  More memories, a perfect walk to the dam wall.  More photos.  I describe the feeling of feeling I am about to wake up while being awake and yet carry on dreaming.  I have been asked why I get up so early in the morning.  I reply, “if you ever died and went to heaven, would you want to fall asleep?”  Sometimes the only way to answer a question is with another question.  I thought that was only for politicians. But Yeshua HaMesiach uses the same principle...

We get back to the perfect lake house and enjoy a perfect lunch of turkey and cheese sandwiches.  My princess continues to read.  More tears, but her Prince is at last by her side, assuring her that it is a safe place, she is with family, the Lord is healing her heart of the pain.  While the Lord allows rubbish in our lives to sometimes hurt us, He has a reason in this, to allow us to fully appreciate the good, the perfection, the important things in life, like family culture.  We pack up and leave to visit Grandma Dorothy, another Godly woman who though I held her hand for a total of five to ten seconds, I know to be a woman of God because of her reputation.  A woman who should be retired but continues to work, because she has a passion from the Lord for this work.  What is my passion from the Lord?  To destroy the porn industry? To put World History on One Page?  I hear the voice of God again – my princesses are suffering in the porn industry, there needs a line to be drawn, this far and no further.  Princes do not treat princesses this way.  Jerks do.  Jerks cannot be allowed to continue to treat princesses this way.  It’s that simple.  The Lord will show us how.

Grandma Dorothy gives me a phone with prepaid minutes.  She is a woman of God who has seen God’s principle of “Seek first the Kingdom of God and all the rest will be added.”  She seeks to bless and as we leave her apartment, the voice of the Lord comes to me again, “Keith, will you do the same?  My princesses are hurting, their hearts are breaking, will you help?”  “Yes Lord, I will do everything in my power to help You heal the hearts of Your princesses.”  My hands are bloody, I am a guilty adulterer, an idolater.  I have been involved in contaminating my heart with lust.  Instead of seeing Your princesses as You do, I have seen them as the jerks see them. My heart needs cleaning Lord, I have nothing to offer, yet I am one who has been privileged to be called up to heaven and to see life not as it is, but as it could be, should be.  To see Your will being done in heaven and now at last I can see to help You do it on earth.  To help You heal the hearts of Your princesses.  I myself have been a jerk, but I plead with you, make me the Prince You desire me to be.  You have given me the heart of a princess and I CANNOT betray her trust.  I CANNOT look into her eyes and see her heart break yet again because of my actions, Lord I BEG you, PLEASE show me how to be her Prince, I confess MY idolatry is the reason You were crucified and I don’t trust myself anymore, I still feel I have sin in my heart Lord, I thank you that You never sinned and You will show me a life without sin so I can model that for her.  She is Your princess and she deserves that.  Thank You Lord.

It is a source of incredulous amazement to me the degree of clarity of thought the Lord is able to give.